different way of the same way…

..desperate measures.. finally I understood that being where I am is not what really should have happened… too late……realizing the situation took a while but after all that has happened in some strange way I am a free man.  … still free man…

…it is ok with me to sit in a bar and be all alone.. all comfortably alone without anyone looking into my eyes.. without looking into my mind…. all the secrets are kept as secrets… all thoughts silenced by what is around me…. just a regular guy sitting at a regular chair… drinking cheap bear… wolfy eyes making an eye contact with a perfect stragner…  stranger sitting somewhere… on the other side of my imagination… unknown to her are the images of her body being naked… her clothes being torn apart by smooth moves of my fingers… or should I say it is just my beer working overtime… beer doing its job….

…. tomorrow i have to show up in the hospital…… no this is wrong.. i don’t have to do anything.. i want to show up… there is that feeling that his mind is dying.. that his head is so sick by now that some might think it is better he goes with God…  in the morning I pray for him… because it was Him who showed me the world, who showed me there are beautiful places so close to me.. so not far away…. there are moments when I think that he is already gone…. that the stroke took his mind… took his body….  i feel so sad when he does not recognize my face, my name, my words……… wish there was something I could do to help him…

…life goes on… and I’ll be all right….

the more drunk I get…the better picture gets…. the better looks they give me. … the better is my imagination…..  

… I still am who I am… the world keeps on turning… tomorrow I’ll wake up thinking another day will make a difference…. having hopes…  helpless… silent thoughts.. that maybe today.. that maybe tonight………….

..i’m ok….. i’m alive…. i work………